The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan Episode 69
by the alpha phoenix
Summary: The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan Episode 69: Emperor Chop Chop. Zapp Brannigan has used his influence as a "war hero" and position within D.O.O.P. to turn his Transcredible Exploits dream into a TV show. This is the outcome ...
1. Chapter 1

**The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan Episode 69: Emperor Chop Chop**

**Chapter 1**

Hi everyone. I decided that I would have a go at writing a Transcredible Exploit of Zapp Brannigan after watching the episode in season six with it in. I also wanted to write something comical and something different to what I normally write.

Now it's disclaimer time. I don't own Futurama or any other copyrighted thing I mention in this fanfic. The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan would be an actual spin off if I did own Futurama.

Don't worry if you haven't seen the episode because you'll soon understand that it is all made up by Zapp. The actual scenes in the episode are Zapp's dreams but, given the type of person Zapp is, he would use his position in D.O.O.P. and his influence as a "war hero" to turn it into a TV program. This is the outcome ...

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A shaky old fashioned introduction screen appeared on your TV with "The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan" written in the centre in a gold fancy joined up font. The background was a cardinal red and had a random hole cut out of the bottom right corner next to an advert.

"Kif, I told you the background looks better in colour than in black and white, like in my dream," a random voice spoke over the introduction theme playing. "And now to make my de-but on the big silver screen in colour."

Suddenly a man, wearing what was obviously a blonde toupee, appeared in the hole. He stared directly at the camera and did his best to speak in a alluring masculine voice, but he failed miserably and sound like a complete creep. "And now it's time for the Transcredible Exploits of Me, the twenty five star general, Zapp Brannigan."

Zapp pouted and pointed at himself before pointing at the advert next to him on the screen. "Sponsored by Bartley's rocket wax. I wax my rocket every day."

A wiry sigh could be heard and someone spoke in a tone laced with annoyance. "Sir, you can't be sponsored by something that doesn't exist."

"Shut up, Kif," Zapp retorted angrily as he glanced behind the background.

The image suddenly blurred and a frog-shaped spaceship appeared on the screen. It was an obviously crude wooden model with sparks coming out of the back. The model was "flying" past a space background, which actually was a black sheet with tiny holes cut out of it to represent stars. The camera began zooming in on the ship, making the strings holding it in the air blatantly obvious and adding to the cheap tackiness of everything.

The name _Nimbus_ was written in black letters that suddenly grew larger as the model changed to a more detailed plastic version. The camera continued to zoom towards the bridge of the ship. It sped up and quickly ended up entering the ship through the front of the bridge and focusing on Zapp Brannigan.

Zapp sat in the large captain's chair at the centre of the bridge with his legs cross. He was in his cardinal red velour uniform, which he had personally designed with the belief that it was the perfect attire for battle. The oversized shirt had a belt around the waist that was doing its best to hold in the captain's ever expanding waistline. The uniform was topped off with white gloves, white boots and golden lapels. Zapp didn't wear pants. He felt war heroes didn't need to. He believed they were for women and sissies.

"Captain's log, stardate the year of the dragon," Zapp spoke into a microphone held by a green humanoid amphibian who was standing next to the captain's chair. "Commodore sixty four, Zapp Brannigan of D.O.O.P. here. I am bravely continuing my voyages to conquer strange new worlds and to eliminate new life forms, to boldly go where no man has gone before."

The green alien sighed before dryly informing his captain of an important matter. "Sir, those lines are copyrighted and that means you can't use them on your TV show."

"Shut up," Zapp slammed his hand down on the control panel of his chair. "I just defeated the Orphaned Children of Planet Abandonment at Five so I can say whatever I like. Besides, the program those lines are from has been banned for centuries now so if anyone does sue me then I'll have them shot!"

Kif shook his head and returned to his position all of one metre away from Zapp. He took his seat and placed the log recorded on the floor. He didn't care what happened to the ship's log because, after all, this was just Zapp's fantasy TV show being recorded for Fox. Kif knew Fox were the only network stupid enough to pay for the show.

A beeping suddenly sounded from Kif's control panel. The green amphibian glanced at the central display before turned back to Zapp. "Sir, we are receiving a distress signal."

"On screen," Zapp demanded as he stared at the giant glass window at the front of the bridge that he called a viewing screen.

"It's an audio message," Kif groaned wirily. "And we don't have a view screen. You requested a large window because, in your words, it provided a more realistic and therefore manly view of the world."

"Quit your blabbering and play the message," Zapp glared at his lieutenant. "And stick to the script I gave you damn it."

"Yes Sir," Kif groaned again before pressing one of the fake buttons on the set. He was clearly fed up with playing himself in this crappy enactment of his day to day life. So much for the camera getting his good side and him managing to land a job on Planet Hollywood.

"This is Captain Leela of the ship Planet Express Ship," a high pitched feminine voice was played on to the set. It was an actress who sounded nothing like the real woman she was trying to play. "We have been attacked by the evil Emperor Chop Chop. We are currently being boarded from the rear and need desperate help. If you can hear me Zapp then pleeeeeease saaaave me."

"Kif, I'm sensing an erotic and sensual disturbance in the force. Nobody boards Leela from the rear apart from me! And I do it over and over and over. Signal to the very smoking Leela that her Velour Fog is coming to save her once again, like Jesus when he rescued Marilyn Monroe in World War eye eye. Then set coordinates for thirty six, twenty four, thirty six," Zapp ordered before pointing forward.

Kif turned to face the actor portraying the helmsman. "Set course for the source of the distress signal."

"Make it so. I'm so happy that I'll be seeing Leela again that I'd have a gun in my pants if I was wearing any," Zapp then turned to Kif. "My underpants might be catapulted across the room soon. Be prepared to retrieve them for me, Kif old pal."

Kif shuddered at the idea of having to fetch Zapp's underpants again as everyone else paused. Zapp turned to the camera and the following lines somehow made it past his lazy editing process. "Cut. That's a wrap people. Now we'll move on to the next Transcredible Zapptacular scene."

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I know it is rather short, but hopefully it is still good. Was it funny? Do you want me to continue writing this? Please let me know what you think by leaving a review below.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan Episode 69: Emperor Chop Chop**

**Chapter 2**

I don't own Futurama or any other copyrighted material I use in this chapter. I wish I did though.

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The camera zoomed in on another crude model hanging on some obvious strings of fishing line. The makers hadn't even tried to hide the green wire from the camera. The model itself was a space station that had numerous decks, which were all denoted by the round windows. The camera began to focus on the windows of the top deck. A room that logically should be a control room.

"And action," Zapp's voice could be heard as the camera suddenly cut to a room inside the station. It was supposed to be the room the camera was focusing on while zooming in. For reasons unknown to anyone but Zapp, there were several washing machines and driers running in the background. Clearly this room was actually the laundry room acting as a temporary brig.

The camera focused on a fat man wearing a typical pirate costume that looked like it had been rented for a few dollars from some cheep ass store downtown. However, he had a laser gun attached to his left arm instead of the traditional hook used by pirates. The brown haired man was wearing an obviously fake black moustache that curled into spirals at the end. His wooden right leg was just his normal leg surrounded by wood.

Three people were tied to chairs in front of this pirate. The first person was a young woman with died purple hair. She was wearing a white tank top, black trousers and black boots. The corners of her normal eyes could be seen either side of the one fake that she was wearing. This fake eye was meant to turn her into the cyclops of Zapp's dreams. The black elastic strap holding the fake eye to the head of this actress only further confirmed that this was seriously cheep. Someone was taking the money from the special effects and keeping it for themselves.

Sitting next to the "monocular" woman were two men. The first was wearing just a plain shirt and jeans. He was made to look deliberately scruffy because the director and writer of this show didn't like him. He was chasing after the same woman as him. The second person was wearing a trash can around his torso and foil on his limbs. A makeshift foil hat sat on his head with an antenna coming out of the top. He was meant to be a robot.

The pirate laughed evilly as he surveyed the prisoners before him. He stared at the woman and addressed her. "No one can save you now, Leela."

"What about Zapp Brannigan?" The actress replied in a high pitched voice that was nothing like the real Leela's.

The pirate chuckled as waved his hand nonchalantly. "Well obviously Zapp Brannigan could save you ..."

Bang! A white boot broke through the thin wooden of door in the background. Bang! A white gloved fist followed through the door as someone clearly failed to make a stylish and heroic entrance due to the lack of a decent set. The person who the foot belonged to struggled for a few seconds as he tried to free himself.

"Help me out, Kif," Zapp said from behind the door. A few seconds later the foot and fist were removed, leaving holes in the flimsy set. The actors playing the other characters all cringed at the epic fail.

"Enter a man who has no underwear!" Suddenly Zapp charged through the door, leaving a cartoonish outline of himself in the set because the door still wouldn't fall like it was meant to.

"Zapp Brannigan!" A combination of shock and horror formed on the face of the pirate as he stared at his adversary. He started backing up towards the washing machines at the far end of the laundry brig.

"But sir, you do have ..."

"Ask me why I have no underwear," Zapp cut Kif off as he entered a pose for the camera. He placed both of his hands on his hips and smiled.

Expressions of joy spread across the captives' faces because they were going to be rescued. They would say anything to be saved or, in reality, the actors would say anything to get paid. "Why do you have no underwear, Super Nintendo Zapp Brannigan?"

"Because the pants haven't been built that can take the job on," Zapp answered in his most alluring voice, which still made him sound like a complete creep. His focus then turn to the pirate. "So Emperor Chop Chop, one again we meet at last."

Emperor Chop Chop had by now backed up against a washing machine. The vibrations from the said machine were making his belly wobble and his teeth clatter. It was an unintended special effect that actually made it look like he was quaking in his wooden leg's boot. He shakily brought his arm mounted gun up and aimed it at Zapp.

"Drop that space gun or I'll shoot," Zapp replied in what he considered a rather manly and heroic way. He quickly drew his laser gun from its holster on his hips and aimed it at Emperor Chop Chop. He then pressed the trigger and a red laser beam fired from the end. "Like so."

The beam hit Chop Chop in the chest and he dramatically cried out in pain as he fell to the floor. "Noooooo! My evil plans foiled again by Zapp Brannigan. I've just been Zapped."

The pirate emperor stopped moving as the three captives cheered their support for their hero. Zapp put his gun back into its holster before strolling over to the actress playing Leela. He bent down and tried to untie the ropes. The knots were tighter than he thought so he started pulling at them with more and more force. Eventually, after several minutes of grunting and random thrusting of his hips into the poor actress' face, the ropes came loose.

Zapp pulled Leela into his arms and held her close to him. She placed both her hands on his chest as her fake eye stared at Zapp's eyes. Zapp tried to give her his most seductive look as his hand slipped down under her trousers to her butt.

"Oooohhh Zapp!" Leela exclaimed with joy. "Tie me up again and ravish me."

"I'd like to Leela, so I will," Zapp smirked as he scooped her up into his arms. He headed for the door, leaving the other two captives still tied in the chairs. Clearly he had either forgot about them or he didn't care. "I'm going to show you why they call me the Zapp Cannon."

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This chapter was meant to be Zapp's actual take on the dream that is first scene from the episode containing the Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan. I had him take some lines from Blackadder Goes Forth so he can sound like the character he wants to be.

Did you like it? Please let me know your thoughts by leaving a review =D


	3. Chapter 3

**The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan Episode 69: Emperor Chop Chop**

**Chapter 3**

I don't own Futurama or any other copyrighted thing I mention in this chapter.

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The door slid open on a real spaceship, allowing Zapp to step out of the lift and into the corridor. He was carrying the actress playing Leela in his arms and making his way to the room he called the lovenasium. He was followed out of the lift by the man playing a robot and a ginger man. They had somehow broken out of their restraints and followed Zapp aboard. It was something never to be explained in this show.

Kif followed the group too as the men who were lining the corridor began wirily applauding Zapp. Their chants of his name were equally lacklustre. Kif himself was carrying a large box with "extra large condoms" written on the side in bright yellow. They were for someone who clearly thought too highly of himself.

An angry expression formed on Zapp's face as he stared at the crappy acting performance of his men. He decided to do something about it because he wasn't going to let them ruin his TV show. "You men had better act like you mean it or I'll send you on a suicide mission to Omicron Persei Eight!"

Suddenly the men, who were all wearing similar velour uniforms to Zapp and Kif, started chanting Zapp's name louder. They clapped their hands as quickly and as loudly as they could. Huge fake smiles of joy for their leader spread across their faces as he continued down the corridor to the lovenasium.

"Kif, give me those," Zapp demanded as he reached the door to his quarters on the _Nimbus_.

He reached down to Kif, swinging around the actress in his arms without a care. Her head smacked into the crotch of one of the men lining the corridor. The man fell to the floor, groaning in pain as the actress now lay limply in Zapp's arms. Clearly Zapp had accidently swung the actress around so hard that she had been knocked out when her head hit the poor man. He was never going to have children again.

Zapp didn't seem to notice that anything had happened as he took the box off Kif and stepped into the lovenasium. The camera angle changed to one inside his room and, somehow, the actress playing Leela was conscious again. She was gripping Zapp as tight as she could while he carried her over to the heart shaped bed in the centre of the room.

He placed her down on the red velour covers. The camera panned around the room to show the audience Zapp's actual quarters on the _Nimbus_. It was, in Zapp's ego driven mind, giving the people what they wanted to see. The pan ended on the painting of Zapp above his bed before returning to the two below on the sheets.

"I'm going to have to reward you for saving me, Zapp," Leela said seductively as she stroked Zapp's cardinal red velour uniform.

Zapp smiled seductively at the woman under him and responded in as alluring a tone as he could manage. In reality it was creepy and continued to freaked the actress out. "I'm going to show you why they call me the Rear Brigadier Play Station Three. I'm going to fly your brains out."

Zapp moved to kiss the purple haired actress. Their lips met as the woman returned the kiss. She had to return the kiss. After all, she was an actress and it was her job.

Zapp forced his tongue into her mouth whether she liked it or not. His hands began roaming her body. She stiffened because this wasn't part of the script. Zapp's right hand slowly snaked its way under her top and up towards her boobs as he deepened the kiss. He quickly grabbed her left boob in his hand and gave it a squeeze.

The actress squealed and forced Zapp off her. She drew her right hand back and slapped him across his face with as much force as she could. "Get off me you creep!"

"And cut," Zapp said as he held his left cheek. The slap had actually hurt him, just like the real Leela's punches hurt. "That was some fantastic acting there sweetie. It was just like what Leela would have actually done if I did that to her."

The actress just sat on his bed with a freaked out expression on her face. She didn't know how to reply to that. He then tried his seductive smile once more and moved over to her. Zapp had no idea that the cameras were still rolling as he tried to make his move on the actress.

"How would you feel if I let you help me over come my sexlexia?" Zapp asked as he slid his right hand up the woman's leg.

She squealed again and swung a kick into Zapp's crotch. Zapp clutched his hurting manhood as he doubled over in pain. The actress took this as her opportunity to get the hell out of there and she sprinted out of the door. Zapp wasn't in a position to chase after her because he was more worried about his love spuds.

He groaned as he glanced over at Kif. "She'll come running back. She can't resist my charm and amazing looks. I'll just have sex with her parents and then I'll definitely be in there. Now Kif, get me some ice for my love can-o-e so I can have it ready for when she comes back to be Zapped."

The image suddenly changed to the model of the _Nimbus_ as it flew through space with sparks firing from its back end. Some cheesy heroic music began playing and the titles rolled down the screen ...

_Starring Zapp Brannigan as himself_

_Written by Zapp Brannigan_

_Edited by Zapp Brannigan_

_Also featuring some people who I don't care about and I've already forgotten their names. They were meaningless. The money grabbing bastards. Especially that actress who filed the sexual harassment case against me. She'll pay for trying to sue me. Just you wait._

_Oh and the toilet cleaner was Kif. He also made some sandwiches but they were crap so I sacked him from that job._

_The End._

Zapp suddenly popped up on the screen and pointed at you, the viewer. "Join me next time for more Transcredible Exploits of me, General Major Webelo Zapp Brannigan. Your hero needs you."

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Well that is the end of this fic. I hoped that you enjoyed reading it and that you found it entertaining. Thanks the reviews. I really appreciate them so please let me know what you think by leaving one =D


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